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“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what
is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
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How do you describe depression? The word is often associated with great sadness, but in my experience the word does not describe an absence of happiness but rather an absence of vitality. You feel your very life force drained from you, unable to perform the very tasks that may pull you from depression. It is frustrating, daunting, and always finds a way to justify itself.
But, how do you truly put the essence of living with depression into words? I found the answer to that question in the pages of The Metamorphosis during my senior year of high school, and again during the Honors sequence. The way Gregor Samsa feels after being mysteriously transformed into a bug is almost exactly how I felt when depressed.
In Gregor’s case, the transformation takes place overnight, but you may find the transformation takes place over months or even years, changes so slight that you do not notice them, until one morning you wake up to find you have fully transformed into a beast. Your new physical state brings with it some limitations: perhaps you cannot lift yourself out of bed, you find it impossible to communicate, or maybe you feel heavier and heavier as you walk, as if a weight were pulling you down. You are aware of every limitation and frustrated with your own incompetence, yet your transformation is complete so you feel you have to live with the limitations. There is nothing more inconvenient than being a monstrous bug or being depressed.
To others, you look unhuman. People have trouble understanding your situation, and so they start to blame you for your unfortunate transformation. One of the greatest parts of the book is how Kafka perfectly describes the endless sense of alienation associated with depression. Alongside that description, the painful burden of keeping someone who is depressed in one’s life is articulated beautifully. Gregor’s family first tries to understand, but they then grow frustrated, eventually hating the thing Gregor has become. I find it notable to realize that the whole Metamorphosis story is told in the third person, almost as if we were being told the story from the perspective of the “outside” consciousness, that which alienates Gregor. Perhaps Gregor has not turned into a vile vermin at all; that we are in fact another force behind the alienation of Gregor. If Gregor’s story was told from his own perspective, maybe he would not be a vermin, but merely misunderstood.
This book also taught me that for things to get better, you often have to take a step back and assess the situation and be willing to do what is best for everyone involved. Gregor’s true downfall comes from others not understanding his situation. When Gregor first turns into the beast, though continuing life is slightly more difficult, it is not unmanageable. It is only once the outside world finds itself at complete odds with his new existence that he becomes weaker and more beast like. The harsh response from Gregor’s family is not surprising, yet how his family reacts to Gregor’s new state only further perpetuates it. His family wants him to be better, yet their actions towards Gregor’s new form seem to blame him for his own misfortune and inadvertently makes everyone’s situation worse. “‘Mother, mother,’ said Gregor gently, looking up at her. He had completely forgotten the chief clerk for the moment, but could not help himself snapping in the air with his jaws at the sight of the flow of coffee. That set his mother screaming anew, she fled from the table and into the arms of his father as he rushed towards her. …Gregor’s appeals to his father were of no help, his appeals were simply not understood, however much he humbly turned his head his father merely stamped his foot all the harder.” (Kafka 8, 9). It takes understanding, not blame, to truly help someone (and if that someone affects you, you are also helping yourself).
The Metamorphosis has had a significant impact on my life. A painfully honest account of depression and alienation, this story reinforced my deep-seated belief in compassion and understanding as most important when interacting with other humans.
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