fallingoutoflove(fool?) [day in the life iii]

i needed to fall out of love

so i tried to walk the very same path where i fell in love with you, only in reverse

but on my way to the end that would be my new beginning, I couldn’t help but remember you

I traveled in that path through every setting where the memory of you lives, and I imagined you there with me, as you had been a week ago.

I saw the field near the water where I had felt like a six year old in love as we gave each other flowers and laid in eachothers arms and I couldn’t cross the street to that field, it was too much, so I turned around and walked 90% of the path in reverse but it wasn’t enough.

I went home where the ghost of you still lives and imagined you washing dishes with me, making dinner, sitting at the table, there as we watched movies.

I fell apart as I realized those subtle moments of intrinsic happiness were gone.

I suppose none of us are entitled to anything in this life.

Much of becoming an adult seems to be learning that most things don’t work out the way you want them to, for better or worse. Maybe because things worked out for a short while so much better than I could have imagined, I should consider myself lucky to have experienced them.

But, tonight, I do not feel grateful. I feel greedy. (I just wanted more.)

And all our plans for the summer dissolve in the breeze, and I along with them.

My stomach hurts, and it is getting late.

I will feel better, soon,

someday.